Delayed Thoughts on Mother's Day

People say that being a mother is the hardest job there is.  And you know what?  That's true.  Sometimes I am a bit overwhelmed by just how hard life as a mother can be, and also by how hard it is to explain why.

Last night Tony and I were catching up on our days and I was telling him about the many cute and sweet and crazy things that Marie had done throughout the day, and then suddenly I was crying.  And though Tony understood without being told, I couldn't quite put into words why.  My heart was just full.  Throughout the day, I go through so many pure emotions--and as Marie grows this experience just gets more intense.  One moment I am totally flabbergasted at her new little attitude and the next she is melting my heart with the way she looks at me and whispers, "mama."

And so I think that being a mother is so hard because it simply demands everything I have to give.  

It's hard because it takes more energy than I feel like I have, more patience than I can muster sometimes, more creativity, more openness, more trust than I feel capable of.  It's hard because I want to think about only me sometimes and then feel immediate guilt at that desire.  It's hard because it often means not sitting when I want to sit, not sleeping when I want to sleep, not reading when I want to read.  It's hard because so many moments are unseen, unnoticed, unappreciated.  Because I feel like I give and give and give, and sometimes that doesn't even feel like enough.  It's hard because sometimes I don't know what the heck to do.  Because sometimes I can't do anything right.  Because sometimes I am tired of being the one and only person who can make things right.  Because sometimes I am just so tired.

But mostly, it's hard because I love Marie more intensely than I understand; because I want to give her the best, but don't always know what that is; because I want to give her my best, but often fail; because I want to hold her tight and keep her still, but she just keeps growing past my reach.

It's hard because it hurts to love so much.  Because it hurts to let go.  Hurts to look back.  And hurts to try to hold on.

It's hard because God is shaping me into someone better than who I am.  Moulding me into something more beautiful than what I was.  Leading me to something greater than what I could have seen.  And the hard turns to good if I give it to Him, and my heart fills with joy, and the burden feels light, and the hurt leads me home.

And though it is the hardest thing I can imagine--this being a mother--I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.